The umpire strikes back

One of the great things about baseball is the umpire. No ump and baseball would be a never-ending series of arguments and fist fights. As it is, the umpire is God, and his word and rule is absolute. To defy the ump is to risk being banned from the field. Even an eyebrow raised in his general direction is a challenge. The ump is one of the Men in Black (sometimes Blue) and is not to be taken lightly.

Umpires are so effective, I’ve started, a website for people with disputes. Now I know some will say society offers that service already, and that judges in the court of law are society’s umps. This is true, but let’s face it, the courts of law are a pain in the butt. Sure, you get the Men in Black who’s pronouncements are absolute, but getting to that point requires hiring lawyers, sitting in courtrooms and legal fees up the wazoo., on the other hand, is a piece of cake. And what’s more, it’s available 24/7 for any type of dispute or disagreement. The mobile version insures that the ump is as close as your smart phone, just an App away! You’ll get the Men in Black, (via Skype) and the parties to the dispute will have to sign off on playing by the rules, but beyond that the whole process will be simple. Charges are by the minute, via PayPal of course, and no dispute is too small. Dishes washed well enough? Leaves raked by the kids? Room cleaned? Accused of flirting? You get the picture; makes short work of any dispute with a verdict of “you’re safe!” or “you’re out!”

For people who argue constantly, a bulk prepay plan is offered at discounted rates. This is particularly helpful to bickering married couples who find themselves locked into a power struggle over everything. But wait, there’s more! Add the “zapper” and getting called “out” is not just a judgment, it’s teaching tool. A wireless low-voltage adhesive pad stuck to the right or left buttock delivers a sharp and noticeable shock when you lose a decision (FDA approved, but those with a heart condition should consult their doctor before use). Admittedly, this feature is not for everyone, but you’ll be amazed how quickly behavior changes when it’s connected to a little penalty. Argue with the umps, and you’re gonna take your lumps!

Our umps know how to make a call. Most of them are retired major league umpires with years of experience in making tough and close decisions. They can’t be intimidated, bought-off, cajoled, or sweet-talked. There’s no appeal. They’ve stood toe-to-toe with irate managers, frustrated batters and nasty fans. In short, our Men in Black make the calls as they see ‘em and don’t back off.

I’ve been beta-testing for the past few months, and it’s almost bug-free. Sure, there’s been a few missed calls, but overall our “pre-season games” have gone real well. Our umps are happy to have the extra work and the NSA even pays us for tips on foreign users! So when it comes to your disputes, try and let’s “play ball!”

Note: Use of is restricted to those 18 years or older. Side effects include nausea, sweating, dry mouth, eczema, and hair loss. Check with your psychiatrist before use.