The recent decision of the California Supreme Court affirming the right of same sex couples to legally marry marks a welcome step forward in affirming virtues of compassion, legal equity and benevolence. Of greater significance, it brings law into line with justice, recognizing that the ties that bind transcend social convention.
Of all social conventions, those of sexual identity are among the most complicated and confusing. The fear and frustration some feel about sexual preferences points to the ways in which our own sexual identities often confuse and confound us. Brought up to be “nice little girls” and “tough little boys,” the imperatives of sexual identity begin early. In infancy’s pink or blue, the die is strongly cast, not solely due to parental conformity, but also because we search for ourselves within our children, including our sexual identities. Fathers see themselves in sons, and vice versa. So it is with women and their daughters. As such, this is a natural inclination born of generations of cultural and familial lore and custom.
Simple friendship between members of the same sex is so ordinary and essential we don’t give it a passing glance. Truly deep friendships are quite rare, however, and as we grow older we come to appreciate the uniqueness of real trust and affection. In times past, this intimacy produced great bonds of companionship, as can be felt within the passionate letters sent between Abraham Lincoln and his dearest friend, Joshua Speed. Culturally, what’s to be made of Laurel and Hardy, Abbott and Costello, and The Three Stooges, men for whom sharing life (though comedic and theatrical) included money, food, beds, and love — if not sexual intimacy?
For those who grow up and find themselves sexually attracted to others of their own sex, society has drawn a line. Some point to religious dictates in justification, while others resort to logical arguments about procreation. Still others point to historical custom and convention as reason enough. Our sexual strictures have forced people into hidden lives of shame, distrust, and deception, despite the fact that those who are gay or lesbian have always been part of the human family, and always will be.
Thus it is the recent court ruling brings such relief. With this decision the reality of sexual preference is fully acknowledged and along with it the dignity, respect and legal protection that all citizens deserve. Society is degraded not by the reality of homosexuality, but by the discrimination against and marginalizing of those who are perceived as different. For individuals secure in their own sexual identities, the preferences of others are no threat. Those who feel threatened need to explore and come to understand the roots of their fear; no small task perhaps, but who said life is easy and uncomplicated?
Receiving and giving love to another is a rare and beautiful occurrence – being able to publicly commit oneself in the pride and devotion of marriage is yet again more beautiful. Who among us have so perfected love as to judge that between two others? If feeling joy in others’ happiness is too great a stretch, then fairness dictates one simply live and let live. Love and sex, admittedly, are confounding. As the poet-songwriter Leonard Cohen says, “I am not the one who loves. It’s love that seizes me.”
